Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
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