I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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