i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
