Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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