Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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