I wish I only lived at night.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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