i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
