Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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