You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
