I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
