Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
