do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
