guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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