So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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