I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
