I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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