Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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