party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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