i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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