i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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