how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
and you fell through a lawn chair
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
