I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
