Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
