I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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