gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
