I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
