so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
