Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
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