The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
