....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
