I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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