If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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