Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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