proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
