Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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