Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
