It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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