apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
