I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
