this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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