I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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