Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
