So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
