shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
