Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
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