my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Damn victory sex feels great
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
