the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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