It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
