i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
