He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
