well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
