You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
