my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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